LITTLE MONKEYS – SEEN AND HEARD

*************
“If we are to reach real peace in this world and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with children; and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won’t have to struggle; we won’t have to pass fruitless idle resolutions, but we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace and love for which consciously or unconsciously the whole world is hungering."
-Mahatma Gandhi
*************

You know, over the years I have become more and more tolerant of other people’s behavior. Really.

No more do I think that I have any reason / right to an opinion about most of the stuff other monkeys do. For the most part, I am a “live and let live” kind of person and rarely interfere, or even notice, most of what other people are doing.

But there is one thing about which I still do voice an opinion and probably always will. Although I know that there is no reason to get angry about it (something I didn’t know in the past), I will still say something when I see it.

The one thing that I can’t watch in public and stay quiet about is when adults are cruel or abusive to children. That has never sat well with me, and no matter how much I believe in the rights of free speech / behavior for all people, I don’t believe that anyone has the right to abuse someone else based upon relative size or some archaic idea of ownership.

It is truly appalling… many adults will speak to children in ways which they would never dream of speaking to another adult. Adults do not (typically) call other adults abusive names or try to humiliate them publicly, at least not without consequences.

But children are another matter… Children have very little power in this world and many adults take advantage of that fact. The little ones become the whipping boys and girls for adults who feel powerless themselves, who are angry and just want someone to take it out upon.

Though I feel empathy for that kind of impotent rage, I still cannot be all right with expressing those feelings by passing them along, virus like, to another – especially when that other is only three feet tall and has no ability to retaliate or protect themselves.

Many adults mistakenly feel as though they “own” their children, much as folks used to feel that it was their right to own slaves. The possessive language used to designate parenthood is one indication of this ingrained cultural bias…

“You are MY child.”

“Do what I tell you.”

“Shut up.”

“Because I said so.”

I’m not even going to go into the verbally abusive stuff that really gets me upset – I’ve heard children called all kinds of horrible things – loudly, angrily, publicly. Considering that this happens in public places, it leads me to believe that, culturally speaking, this is “all right” behavior for an adult.

I disagree. Strongly. And I let this be known.

My motivations for this are two-fold. First of all, in my studies of the human monkey, I have learned that social disapproval does have a behavior changing effect, at least upon some segment of the population. Perhaps some adults just don’t know any other way. Perhaps they don’t realize that treating children worse than they would treat another adult or an animal is just not all right with everyone.

Secondly, and most importantly, I want the child to know that at least one other adult in this world thinks that they are just fine, doesn’t blame them, and feels that the adult yelling at them is totally out of line. For most (all?) children, they easily believe whatever adults tell them. If adults say “you are a piece of *#&$ and my anger is all your fault,” the child is likely to believe them.

Even if it only helps the tiniest bit, I want them to know that another grown-up, another authority figure, does not feel this way. In my eyes, every adult who treats children like this is responsible for those actions. I don’t care what the child "did" to “deserve” the treatment – no child deserves treatment like that for any reason.

Usually when I see an adult berating a child in public, I will take a mostly non-verbal non-confrontational approach. At the least, I will stare (glare?) openly at the adult while they are engaging in this behavior until they are forced to acknowledge my stare. My look clearly indicates that in my opinion they are very much in the wrong. I will stand there staring, often in close proximity, for as long as it takes to get their attention. I will also make sure to smile warmly and empathetically at the child whenever he or she happens to look at me.

I’ve noticed two things about this. One, the adult settles right down, often apologizing to the child, as soon as they see someone looking at them like that. Two, the child almost always notices first and typically goes from looking frightened to calming down and looking as though they feel more secure and safe. At least for a moment, there is another Big Person on their side who is clearly not going to let anything more terrible happen to them.

Do the adults learn anything from this? I don’t know… Maybe they’ll think twice about their behavior in the future, maybe they won’t. More importantly, I hope that the kids involved will learn, somewhere in their consciousness, that the irrational angry behavior of the adult(s) in their lives are not their fault.

On occasion, I’ve been a bit less non-verbal…

For instance, last summer my partner and I were waiting in line in the lobby of a restaurant for a table. There were several people waiting around as well, and a large family sat on a bench waiting for a carry-out order. It was apparent that the eight year old boy was in charge of watching his toddler brother – their mother was paying no attention to either one of them.

Eventually, the toddler began to cry (it was some issue about a toothpick) and the mother went bat shit. She started screaming – and I mean screaming – at the eight year old, calling him names, and generally berating him. He tried to explain what had happened, but she wouldn’t listen to a word he said. To his credit, he had been doing as good of a job as any eight year old could have done watching his toddler brother – he had much more of a clue about what was causing the crying than the mother did.

This outburst caused the entire lobby to go silent – except for the screaming, that is. People in the restaurant proper even turned to see what was going on. The poor eight year old looked like he wanted to crawl under something and die – it was just about more than I could bear to watch.

As soon as there was a short pause in her screaming, I took the opportunity to fill the silent void…

“Honey?” I asked in a calm, clear, somewhat loud voice. “Will you promise to tell me if I ever turn into a cunt like that?”

My partner, equally calmly and clearly, answered “Of course I will.”

There were a few hushed snickers at my comment – she was really out of line and I think everyone there knew it. But of course no one wants to get involved or give opinions on other people’s child rearing habits…

After my comment, she started making excuses… well you should have… why didn’t you… but all of her “umph” had gone away. She eventually apologized to her son and explained – to whom I’m not sure – that she was really tired, grouchy and “just couldn’t take one more thing.”

Whatever.

Sometimes, though, I’m a bit less articulate. My partner has suggested, knowing myself and my propensity for voicing my opinion in extreme situations, that I should come up with some pre-made comments which I can think about first.

The “extreme situations” are when I see adults out right beating their children. There is no way that I can see that and not intervene – if I would intervene for an adult who was being beaten (and I would and have), then I certainly will not stand by and watch a child being physically abused.

The problem is, what do you say? Mostly, I just want to say something, anything, to make the adult stop NOW. Usually that means (or has meant) getting them to direct their anger at me instead of the little one at their feet.

This is fine – sticks and stones and all that. However, I’m not sure if there might not be a better way… something more meaningful and informational. But what can you say in three seconds while you’re rolling down the car window?

“Hey – why don’t you find somebody who can read to check out a book for you on Attachment Parenting?”

Somehow, that just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. My partner, after some thought, came up with this one:

“He / she might have made a mistake, but you’re making a much bigger one right now.”

Not too bad – concise, to the point and not overly critical.

Personally, there are days when I feel like giving the adult a choice – jail or the hospital. Either I can 1) call the police and have them arrested for assault or 2) since they are clearly Ok with the idea of assaulting another person, I could just get out of the car and beat them like they are beating their child. I have a cell phone and a baseball bat – I could go either way.

On other days, part of me would like to make that choice for them…

But I’m a kinder, gentler monkey than I used to be, so at the very least I will always let them choose for themselves.

In the meantime, I’ll endeavor to come up with quick one-sentence phrases which will impart patience, wisdom and compassion towards others and leave a fresh, minty non-defensive scent. I’d like to be able to, in a split second, show them the true consequences of their behavior – the potentially life-long pain and damage they are causing to a little child, the internal fears and anger that they themselves hold inside which motivates their behavior, the circular nature of abuse and the global ramifications of treating our fellow human beings (especially the little ones) with anything other than love and compassion.

I suppose that I will have to keep looking for those words – some sentiments just can’t be expressed with a baseball bat